I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i was born a porn star she said
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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