I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
