We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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