Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
