I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Dignity is for republicans.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
