Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize