I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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