was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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