thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
