never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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