I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
