She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
