OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
