I haven't been this sober since birth.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
