She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize