i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
