HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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