I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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