We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize