My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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