I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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