At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
