How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize