I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
