i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That accounts for only three of the penises
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
