I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize