is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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