she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
wanna go halves on a baby?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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