Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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