He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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