No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
