Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
