I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
