My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
