there's paper in my vomit.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
