"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
