i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
