my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
