This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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