I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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