so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
