Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
