at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
