Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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