allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You smell like a Billy Joel song
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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