if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
