I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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