You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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