I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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