put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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