I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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