i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
