Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize