The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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