You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
