I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
