birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
