I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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