before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
