Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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