can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
