theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
