Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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