i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
