I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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