i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
