ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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